The Archives of Hysteria!
by Invader Zek
Summary: THANKYOU for the reviews-at long last I'M BACK! Absence due to a spinal injury. ANYWAY new chapters: one of them is a parody on the pc game dungeons and dragons.
1. New Nightmares! Rec. Disk 1

This is a new tape 4 y'all! Enjoy and LAUGH!  
  
The Nightmare Begins  
  
  
Red & Purple: *watch TV boredly*  
  
Gir: Uh...who's that strange guy...?  
  
Jimmy Neutron: WOW! Real ALIENS! N-  
  
Red & Purple: AGHHHHHHHHAAAAHHH! *bolt outta the room screaming in fear*  
  
  
*****  
  
  
Red: Welcome Mighty Irken So-  
  
*rude noise echoes through the chamber*  
  
Red & Purple: ...  
  
*****  
  
Red: All the while gathering crucial information, assessing the planet's weakness for our...Big...spaceship...gang...!  
  
Purple: It's called the Armada you defect!   
  
Director: Ugh...  
  
*****  
  
  
Purple: *floating down on platform* Thank you! T- OH SHIT! *falls of platform*  
  
Red: *looks over to where Purple landed* Ewww....  
  
Director: whywhywhywhywhywhy...?  
  
*****  
  
Red: You weren't invited at all!   
  
Zim: Oh...I wasn't...? *starts to cry*  
  
Director: Oh for Gawd's sake....  
  
*******  
  
Zim: I wasn't invited?! FUCK YOU!  
  
Director: ZIM-IT'S A KID'S SHOW!  
  
  
  
*****  
  
  
Soldier: Hey Zim's here!  
  
Audience: *cheers*  
  
Director: NO!!!!! DOH!!!!!!  
  
  
*****  
  
  
Invader Scootch: Wait-if Zim's even shorter than I am, don't you think HE should be assigned to Blortch of the slaughtering rat people?  
  
Purple: Hmmm...Good point...  
  
Director: Helllpppp meeeeee....  
  
********  
  
Director: DAMN YOU! CAN'T YOU JUST FOLLOW THE SCRIPT?!  
  
Red: There was a script...?  
  
******  
  
Purple: Whooooo...! *tosses Gir in front of Zim*  
  
Red: But Gir was mine...! *pouts*  
  
*****  
  
Gir: S.I.R. , ready to serve you lord and master!  
  
Director: NO NO, NO! You're supposed to be stupid!  
  
Purple: He's not stupid-he's adva-a-nced!  
  
Director: *bangs his head on his clipboard*  
  
*******  
  
Gir: S.I.R. , reporting for duty my Lord!  
  
Director: NO-O-O! You're supposed to be screwed up and say 'G.I.R, reporting for duty', and do stupid shit!   
  
Gir: But I must serve my masters!  
  
Director: *sighs* *moans*  
  
******  
  
Zim: But, My Tallests-a chance to prove that I can TRULY become an Invader, is all that I ask! Gim-  
  
Purple: Simma DOWN NA!  
  
Zim: Oh no...I thought Jhonen cured you guys!  
  
Red: Simmm-a-a-a-a-a-a d-oooo-wwwwwn, NA! SIMMA DOWN NA!  
  
Purple: Whoooo! Simma DOWN!  
  
  
********  
  
  
Purple: Oh yeah? Well Yo mammas do fat, when she sat on a rainbow she made skittles!  
  
Red: Well Yo mammas so fat, a parked voot hit her!  
  
Purple: Yo mammas so fat, she needs the Atlantic Ocean for her waterbed!  
  
Red: Yo mammas so fat, I rolled over her twice and still had a long way to go!   
  
Purple: Right-Yo mammas so fat, my height is a mere fraction to her width!  
  
Red: *extremely pissed now* Yo mammas so fat, she jumped up in the air and got STUCK!  
  
Purple: Oh really? Yo mammas half Irken, half Jacker, and half human.  
  
Red: ...???...That's three halves...  
  
Purple: She's a big woman!  
  
Red: !!!!!!!!!!!! YO MAMMAS SO FAT, THEY FOUND OSAMA BIN-WHATEVER UNDER HER FOLDS!  
  
Purple: So? They found the whole damn Taliban under your mother's.  
  
Dib: *watches them, munching on some popcorn* *Director and Zim come and watch too*  
  
Zim: Ooh, who's winning?  
  
Dib: At first it was pretty even, but I think Purple's got the upper hand now...or claw...  
  
Red: Yo mommas so STUPID, she stole some FREE BREAD!  
  
Purple: My mother's not stupid, she's advanced.  
  
Red: CURSE YOUUUU!  
  
Director: Yup, Purple won that round.  
  
Zim: Can't wait to see tomorrow's!   
  
*********************  
  
  
Zim: But, you can't have an invasion without me-I w-  
  
Purple: Simma down na!  
  
Zim: Oh no...not this AGAIN!  
  
Purple: SIMMA-A-A-A-A-A D-A-A-A-AN NA! SIMMA DAN NA!  
  
********************8  
  
Red: Simma-a-a down na! Whooo!  
  
Dib: Hey weatherman-Will YOU PLEASE just GO with the SCRIPT!  
  
Purple: SIMMA DOWN, SIMMA DAN NA! AHAHAHA!  
  
Cast: Mercy...!  
  
***************************  
  
Invader Floabie: Ye-  
  
Purple & Red: Simma dan na, simma down!  
  
Director: *now crying after take 1, 660, 440 for the 2nd week in a row in frustration* Please! For the sake of SPORKS, PLEASE obey!  
  
Red: ....Uh...SIMMA DOWN!  
  
Purple: YEAH-SIMMMAAAAAAA DAAAAN NA! NA!  
  
Gaz: *stamps onto stage* That's it! *dark aurora surrounds her* Shut up, read the script correctly, and do not do it again to mess up my day... Because its you who're going to need to 'simma down' if I get through with YOU!  
  
Red & Purple: Yes ma'am...! *salute*  
  
***************************  
  
Red & Purple: *it's now the 3rd week and they're still at it*  
  
Director: *to his cast* Good idea... *now to R & P* Okay, we decided to bring Jhonen back in to get you fixed.  
  
Red & Purple: *pause a minute then...* AGGGGGGGHHH!  
  
Purple: *continues to scream-yell*  
  
Red: Whaddu think we are-dogs?!  
  
***************************  
  
Dib: Gaz, they're c-  
  
Purple: *drags Zek*  
  
Zek: GODDAMMIT-I DIDN'T DO IT DAD- I SWEAR!  
  
Purple: Actually the punishment won't be that bad Zek-I'm not going to kill you-just maim.  
  
Zek: 0.o... AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-HHHHHHHHHH-HHHH! I DIDN'T DO IT! IT WAS THAT RED BASTARD, GODMAMMIT!  
  
Dib: You think she did it?  
  
Gaz: Probably...  
  
*********************************8  
  
  
Dib: *slides down pole into sink, then....* ...AHHHHHHHHHHHGHHHHARRRRREEEE!  
  
Prof. Membrane: Oops, eh, forgot about the steak knifes...  
  
**********8**************************  
  
Dib: Finally, a way to prove that I'm, that I'm, that I'm-  
  
Zim: Totally gay,  
  
Zita: Ok, now THAT makes SENSE,   
  
*************************************8  
  
  
Mrs. Bitters: Doom, Doom, Do- *grabs the cockroach off her face and eats it*  
  
Director: Oh GAWD!  
  
***********8***************************  
  
Red: Uh...right-  
  
Purple: Wait a second...*grabs sticky note and reads the back*  
  
Red: I can explain!  
  
Purple: WHAAA-?! Oh you BETTER!  
*****************************8  
  
  
Purple: Besides...no Invader has been so very small... you're very small Zim...you're a tiny thing...  
  
Zim: AHG! Curse you mother fuckers! I am ZIM!  
  
Director: God, help this lost soul...  
  
*****************************8  
  
  
Zim: You can't have an Invasion without me!  
  
Purple: GAHHHH! That's IT! I'M GOING TO BE A NUN-I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!!  
  
Red: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
Director: *kicks the camera filmer*  
  
*****************************  
  
  
Did'ja like'em? I FILMED 'EM MA-SELF! And I survi-i-i-ved i-i-it! Tell me watcha think! Hey-NEW CHAPTERS TO COME! The next one will be Tallest HQ ones.  
  
Zek, Out!  
  
End Of Line 


	2. As Promised: Tallest HQ Chaos: Recorded ...

Thanks to those like amethyst soul and zimmykid who encourage me and give honest opinions. AND OF COURSE ALL OF DA REVIEWERS!  
  
******************************************  
  
  
Zek: *walks up to Red* Wanna see a magic trick?  
  
Red: ....? Uh...ok, sure.  
  
Zek: Cool-ok-first, I need a piece of money of somewhat important value...  
  
Red: *hands her it*  
  
Zek: Now...I'll chant the magic words and watch it disappear: CYA SUCKER! *runs away laughing*  
  
Red: YOU BITCH-GET BACK HERE! *runs after her*  
  
Zek: I SAID IT WAS A TRICK DIDN'T I?!?!  
  
*****************************************************  
  
  
Zim: *tries to send transmission from earth-Zek appears on the screen*  
  
Zim: Zek! What're you doing there?  
  
Zek: Well duh-what does it look like you retard? I'm sitting in front of a big screen.  
  
Zim: Argh! ...eh...I need your father...  
  
Zek: Pay-up.  
  
Zim: What?  
  
Zek: Cough it up-service ain't free.  
  
Zim: AGHH! I WILL NOT-  
  
Zim: *eyes are closed in frustration*   
  
Zek: *looks behind her at the sound of a door and scuttles away*  
  
Zim: DAMNITT YOU BITCH!  
  
Purple: WHAT?! WHO ARE YOU CALLING A BITCH?!?!  
  
Zim: Oh shit...!  
  
***********************************************  
  
Zek: *yells as Red walks by*  
  
Red: What?!  
  
Zek: *cringes* *then takes out a paper bag, jumps, and pops it on his head* Whew! That's better...  
  
Red: *blinx*  
  
******************************************************  
  
Zek: *pokes food w/ utensil* Ew... what IS this shit?  
  
Purple: Jeez...Try it...  
  
Zek: *shudders then takes a bite* *flops on the floor gagging and making disgusting noises*  
  
Purple: Oh for Gods' sake-a week ago you said you liked it-its *some kind of name for the food*  
  
Zek: *climbs back on chair* Its that-really? *takes another bite* Well...I can slightly suppress the gag reflex by not breathing and sort-of choking it down and flushing it out w/ my drink. Tastes kinda like septic tank shit-but a little dry.  
  
Purple: *dryly* I'm glad it's such a hit...  
  
********************************************  
  
Zek: ACK! Hey-no parasite ridden pets are allowed in this structure-shoo!  
  
Red: ZEK!  
  
Zek: WHOA! Sorry...um...didn't recognize you...  
  
*******************************************  
  
Red: ...your hiding something...I can tell...  
  
Zek: No, I'm not.  
  
Red: You are too!  
  
Zek: ergh....  
  
Red: Hel-lo...?  
  
Zek: *takes out an megaphone and puts up on max volume up to his face* THE FUCKING SKY IS BLUE-HAPPY?!!?  
  
Red: .....Ow-w-w...  
  
*******************************************  
  
Purple: I'm telling you-smoke machines are better!  
  
Red: LAZERS!  
  
Purple: SMOKE MACHINES!  
  
Red: LAZERS!  
  
Zek & Purple: SMOKE MACHINES!  
  
Red: Fine, fine...whatever...  
  
***************************************  
  
Purple: You know Zek, you have to stop speaking English soon and learn Irken. We can't wear translators forever...  
  
Zek: Ok-rattle off all the Irken cusswords you know.  
  
Purple: NO!  
  
Red: Fine, I'll teach her.  
  
Purple: You do and I'll skin your hide and shape it into combat boots!  
  
********************************************  
Zek: *on a phone thingy* 'Ello? Eeezz thees 'da fr-d-ront desk? 'Ya, 'Ya-I nee-d a wordz look 'up. Yezz...Uh...thatz ze problem-I don't know exactly what the wordz ara'a and I'm notz allowed to say them-can you pleeze just shoot 'off all of ze curse-words you know in Irken-to-English format? ....'Ello? 'ELLO?! *hangs up* Sheesh...those librarians are a sharp bunch...  
  
**************************************  
0_- (do try 2 understand I have to stretch some things...)  
  
**************************************88  
  
Zek: The ARE good points in knowing English on Irk-um...that's if nobody's wearing translators like mine... I like to have fun around here.  
  
Zek: *purposely trips over an Irken aid* English: GAH! YOU SON OF A BITCH! YOU BETTER KNOW A GOOD SURGEON 'CAUSE I'M GONNA BEAT YOU INTO A FUCKING LIMP PULP! I'LL DAMN YOU RIGHT DOWN TO HELL-SON OF A BITCH ASSHOLE...!   
  
Aid: *blix startled but doesn't understand what she's saying*  
  
Zek: See? I can say damned thing I want!  
  
**********************************************  
  
Zek: Shotgun...set...HIKE!  
  
Friends: *Scramble around playing football and a big pile appears on the ground.*  
  
Purple: What the hell??? *Catches flying ball*  
  
Zek: Oh shit-run dad!  
  
Purple: Wha-  
  
Friend: He's got the ball-TACKLE! *all of 'em tackle him*  
  
Zek: *looks down at the pile of fighting, hissing players* I don't think this is exactly your sport....  
  
************************************************  
  
  
Zek: Shotgun...set...HI-  
  
Purple: *grabs her* Oh shit-not this murderous game again!  
  
Zek: *dangles and struggles in mid air* OUCH! Jeez-it's just a GAME!  
  
Purple: A game?? That's suicide! Especially at your rank, you shouldn't be playing this!  
  
Zek: AGH! Oh hell with rank-  
  
Purple: And you don't look respectable....  
  
Zek: JEEZ! I only played one quarter-its not THAT messed up-HELL WITH MY DRESS-HELL WITH THE DRESS OF DEATH!  
************************************************  
  
Zek: *Looks around and pops into a room, comes out in a shirt and jeans from earth.* Good riddance...I hate dresses.   
  
Zek: Ready...sho-  
  
Friend: Hey-you're not supposed to be playing! Remember-'ya got a lecture from dadd-  
  
Zek: Oh shut 'ur hole...  
  
Friend: Daddy's 'lil girl-  
  
Zek: THAT'S IT! YOU'RE DEAD! *runs after him*  
  
  
******************************************************  
  
Red: THEY'RE YOU ARE YOU LITTLE LEECH-GET BACK HERE!  
  
Zek: Umm... WHOA-LOOK AT THAT SOLDIER SCREWING THAT GIRL BEHIND YOU!  
  
Red: HOLY SHIT-WHERE?! *looks behind him*  
  
Zek: Sucker!  
  
  
******************************************************  
  
Zek: You got the-WHAT KIND OF FUCKING FOOTBALL IS THIS?! You call this a football? It looks like retarded septic tank waste!  
***********************************************8  
  
Zek: *walks up to a guard and says in an evil voice, * I know what you did last summer...   
  
Guard: Oh fuck-don't tell anyone!!!  
  
  
****************************************************  
  
Zek: Oh man-you eat chips?!  
  
Red: Yeah-h-h-h...so...?  
  
Zek: No...chips are fine-it just THOSE chips...OW GAWD! *gags* *leaves room*  
  
Red: What does she mean by...oh...oh shit-literally... *looks at bag then gags*  
  
*********************************************88888  
  
Zek: No-No! He's PERFECTLY well trained; I can assure you...This Doberman is housebroken so he won't-  
  
Red: OH FUCK-MY CHAIR!  
  
Zek: Um...oops...eh-heh-heh...  
  
*********************************************88888888  
  
Purple: Oh gawd ZEK! Will you eat right? Its disgusting-you're like a little barbarian!  
  
Zek: A barbarian...? Cool! *makes repulsive noises while swallowing*  
  
Purple: Wrong thing to say huh?  
*******************************************8  
  
Red: -?!? What are you doing in here?! You know you're not allowed in here you little pest! And what the hell are you playing video games on it for-that machine is powerful and restricted!!!  
  
Zek: Oh, how I pity ye of simple mind. Why must thou ponder over the pitiful excuses of thee so? Must one's freedom be depleted due to thou's little knowing?   
  
Red: .......? WH-A-AT?!? What the hell are you saying?  
  
Zek: *finally looks away from game* Man...you are stupid aren't you?   
  
Red: YOU SHORT FUCKING PEST! *lunges at her*  
  
**********************************8888888888  
  
Zek: Wow-you're pretty slow shorty! Ha-ha! C'mon you fat ass! You probably couldn't catch a parked Voot Runner! Ah-hahaha!  
  
Red: *runs towards her but she's to fast so he's about 20 feet back*  
  
Zek: Nya-nya! *phhhhhhhhhht!* *as he gets near she turns to run away but Purple's in her way*  
  
Zek: Um...eh...heh-heh-heh-heh...er-I'm not getting out of this one am I...?  
  
***************************************************88  
  
Purple: You're wearing those... those...JEANS...*cringes*  
  
Zek: Yeah-'ya wanna make somthin' of it?  
  
Zek: ...Yeah-you do huh? Oh, OH-NOO-OOO-OO-O! Not the dress! NOT THE DRESS! DRESS OF DOOM-DRESS OF DOO-OO-OM!  
  
*************************************************8  
Zek: *belches loudly*  
  
Purple: Holy shit-where'd you learn to do that?!  
  
Zek: My earth-friend Haley taught me.  
  
Red: And what do you say after that rude gesture??  
  
Zek: Hmm...I'd say on a scale of 1 through 10 that would've had to be an 8 1/2...  
  
Purple: *grumbles*  
  
*********************************************8888  
  
Zek: *reads a magazine*  
  
Purple: What's that?  
  
Zek: Ooh! It's a Utahraptor-related to the velociraptors. With the bloodthirsty savagery of wild dogs-they attack with the efficiency of a lethal bird of prey! Jaws with the force of a quarter ton, biting and snapping at their meal. Ripping the skin off the carcass to feast upon the juicy muscle and organs within! Their sickle claw wrenching mercilessly through the flesh of the doomed victim!   
  
Purple: ...right...  
  
*************************************************8  
  
  
E.T.: *steals bag of chips*  
  
Red: HEY!  
  
E.T.: *ruffles and bristles fur, bares his teeth, lays his ears back, and extends his fore feet*  
  
Red: On second thoughts...  
  
8**************************************************  
  
Zek: What the hell are you thinking? That's our ball man.  
  
Other-person-that's-a-bystander-from-the-other-team: YOU'RE ball? You haven't two brain cells to rub together shorty!  
  
Zek: ....*last word echoes in her head* Shorty...? SHORTY...? SHORTY...?!? C'MERE YOU FUCK'IN ASSHOLE-I'LL SHOW YOU WHO'S SHORT! YOU DON'T GO CALL'IN PEOPLE WHO'RE MUCH TALLER 'EN YOU SHORT!   
  
Other-dude: ...ehm...  
  
Zek: HURRAGH! *tackles him HARD*  
  
****************8************8888888*************  
  
Zek: *altered one of those earth recorder-repeaters and poped it under Red's chair*  
  
Red: *sits* Ok...h-  
  
Recorder-repeater: Ok...h-  
  
Red: ...? Oka-a-a-ay... Computer-show m-  
  
Recorder-repeater: Oka-a-a-ay... Computer-show m-  
  
Red: WHO THE HELL IS COPYING ME?!  
  
Recorder-repeater: WHO THE HELL IS COPYING ME?!  
  
Red: *thinks* hmm... I'm an asshole.  
  
Recorder-repeater: You're an asshole-why, you just figured it out now?  
  
************************************************8  
  
Zek: Ooh! I saw this from a movie!   
  
Zek: *inserts miniature sound amplifier inside her mouth*  
  
Zek: Now I'm ready for dinner!  
  
***************************************************8  
  
Zek: *activates the little sound amplifier*   
  
Purple: Gawd Zek...chew with your mouth shut!  
  
Zek: I am. See?  
  
Purple: How can someone make disgusting noises with their mouth closed?!  
  
****************************************************8  
  
Zek: Ready...set...HIKE!  
  
Player: BLITZ! *taps her*  
  
*guards run over w/ their guns aimed at the player*  
  
Zek: Whoa...fellas, it's called football! Security a little strict these days, eh?  
  
**************************************************8  
  
Zek: *looks at guards* Creepy...ok-ready...set...HIKE!  
  
Player: *tackles her* *guards pin him down*  
  
Zek: Honestly-will you let me play my GAME?!  
  
****************************************************8  
  
Instructor: Now, take hold of the b-  
  
Zek: I remember how to fly a bloody voot runner! Quite a few models too! GAWD!  
  
Instructor: They we're my orders whether you remember or not. Don't try to fool be because your bored. Now take it slow...  
  
Zek: What?! YOU SON OF A BITCH ASSHOLE!  
**************************************************8  
  
Zek: 'Don't ever fly it so fast'-blah blah blah blah blah!!! Some instructor...whadda dork...  
  
*************************************************8  
  
Friend: Good question...I think I want to be a pilot!  
  
Zek: Damn-one of thousands! I know what I'm gonna do once I escape-retire.  
  
*cricket chirps*  
Zek: WHAT? Work never does pay off.  
  
("Do you ever have trouble coming up with ideas?" asked the interviewer. "Sometimes," replied the author.)  
  
**************************************************8  
  
Zek: *Walks along whistling carrying a huge shovel*  
  
Red: And what are you doing with THAT? *points to shovel*  
  
Zek: Oh this...? Yeah, remember that pet I got six months ago you said I could keep, as long as you never saw it, and it was out of your way?  
  
Red: Yes...I remember the conversation...  
  
Zek: *huge roar sounds in the distance* Uh-oh-gotta go. Sorka's hungry and I still need to clean her cat box!   
  
***************************************************8  
  
Purple: SMOKE MACHINES!  
  
Red: LAZERS!  
  
Purple: SMOKE MACHINES!  
  
Red: *shoots purple in the eye again with a lazer*   
  
Zek: Oh play dirty will he...? Heh-heh-heh...  
  
8****************8  
  
  
8*******************8  
  
Zek: shnnff gadssds essthh ee...!  
  
Purple: What're you laughing at...?  
  
Zek: ghhhph...nothing...*tries to stifle laughter* Here he comes!  
  
Red: *takes bite of food* What the heck just- HHAGHHH ACK OCKLAGG huuur-AHGHK GHPHAAH URRR *wheezing...hacking...coughing...*  
  
Zek: *falls backwards in her chair laughing so hard*  
  
  
**************************************************8   
  
Zek: *looks down LONG staircase* Ooh...this might hurt...too risky-hey-oh hell-This will be too funny...!  
  
  
8***************************8  
  
Zek: *falls down stairs*  
  
Purple: Holy shit!!!! Zek-are you okay?!  
  
Zek: *remains limp an motionless* Thinks: closer...closer...gotcha...!  
  
Purple: Zek...?!  
  
Zek: *grabs 'em* LET-THE DEAD-REST!!!  
  
Purple: *skin turns from pale green to gray* ACK! *runs*  
  
  
**************************************************8  
  
Zek: I'm hungry! It's only 4:00am! Why can't the two lazy dorks get up...wait-a-minute...!   
  
Zek: *Grabs a conch shell* Thank you-ou-ou-ou Hawaii! *blows it hard*  
  
***********************************************8  
  
*Feathers are a mess everywhere after accidently mixing negative chemicals*  
  
Purple: HOLY CRAP-WHAT HAPPENED TO UR ROOM?! DIDN'T I SAY NONE OF THOSE CHEMICALS...?!  
  
Zek: Um...DAD-IT WAS AMAZING! A FLOCK OF MUTATED WILD DUCKS JUST FLEW IN HERE AND MOLTED THEIR RADIOACTIVE FEATHERS, AND LEFT WHEN YOU CAME IN!  
  
**8**  
  
Zek: How did he know? I outta come up with some better excuses and lies...  
  
*************************************************  
  
  
E.T.: What the heck are you doing with that water bottle Zek? Water hurts you, remember?  
  
Zek: Normally, yeah, but after spending most of my life on earth, my body's come accustomed to it! I'm gonna chase Red around the HQ with it- heh, heh!  
  
*8*  
  
Red: Zek, why are you follow- AAAAGHGHHHHH! GET IT AWAY!!!  
  
Zek: Splashes some on him* Ooops!  
  
******8  
Zek: *chases him around with the water bottle* *splashes the rest on him* How clumsy of me...! Well at least your mopping up the floor squirming like that-and will you quit yelling-it's really annoying!  
  
**********************************************8  
  
Zek: *turns the whole HQ in chaos-chasing and shooting everyone with a huge water gun*  
  
Purple: *grabs her by the scruff of her shirt, dangling her in mid air*   
  
Zek: Oh-h-h-h-h-h man...Um...you look REALLY pissed-you want an exclamation right before you mutilate me right? Ok-all talk-um...I had NO willpower WHATSOEVER! It was horrific! Diablo came out of the ground and-wait, you don't believe in Diablo...um ARCHON!-ARCHON FORCED ME-HE CAME UP FROM HIS KINGDOM OF THE UNDERWORLD!!!!  
  
*********************************************8  
  
Red: *blasts purple in the eye again*  
  
Zek: HEY-WATCH YOUR AIM RED! *shoots smoke bomb in his eyes*  
  
Red: OH SHIT! AGHHH! OW-AHHH! ^$#@$ @%@!  
  
Zek: Lasers only go so far my hell-found friend...  
  
*****************************************8  
  
Red: *aims at purple w/ laser*  
Zek: HEY RED-don't shoot-or I'm gonna shoot at you by my eye-level...and that...would disable you to walk for awhile...!  
  
************************************8  
Zek: 4:00 in the morning...good...  
  
Zek: THE BRITISH ARE COMING! WE'RE UNDER ATTACK! THE BRITISH ARE COMIIIIIIIING!!!!! 


	3. Utter Hysterical Cast Doominess! Recorde...

Remember me? I made bloopers months ago 4 u guyz! ZimmyKid did too-check his blooper fics 'cause he's probably better'n I am.   
P-ple seem to need some laughs these days-shake off that morbid stuff once it get too much. So here-bloopers 4 u. I'll use your ideas in my blooper fics if u post them in ur reviews and give you the credit. Well here I go! Hope I get some laughs...   
  
*******************************************************  
  
The Nightmare Begins  
  
  
Red: Lasers! *lasers shoot purple's eye-again*  
  
Purple: ARRRRAGHHH! YOU BASTARD!  
  
  
  
***  
  
  
Red: Uh...as a show of gratitude for your service in the past...uh-here's a sandwich... *pulls out sandwich*  
  
Purple: What the hell-that was mine! *tackles Red*  
  
  
***  
  
  
Red: Welcome might Irken soldiers! You are the finest examples the Irken Military has to offer! G-  
  
Soldier in the audience: *drops his drink all over himself* Oh Fuck...!  
  
Red & Purple: ....   
  
  
***  
Zim: It looks kinda... not good...-  
  
Purple: Simma DOWN na!  
  
Zim: I'm not even getting excited!  
  
Purple: SIMMA DOWN!  
  
Director: What the hell Pur-  
  
Red: He said-SIMMA DOWN NA!  
  
Invader Flobie: This is ridiculous-Zim's just trying to-  
  
Red & Purple: SIMMA DOWN!  
  
Director: I was a good boy-why do I deserve this...?!  
  
***  
  
  
Zim: It looks kinda...not good..- *shows them a photograph of the teletubbies*  
  
Purple: AGHHHHHHH! TAKE THEM ALLL! *runs*  
  
Red: MADNESSS!!!   
  
  
***  
  
  
Zim: Invader Zim reporting Sirs'-the mission goes well. But su-  
  
Purple: Simma down!  
  
Zim: What?  
  
Red: Simma...(zim: okay...) Down... (zim: yeah...) now...  
  
Purple: SIMMA DOWN NA!  
  
***  
  
  
Zim: Invader Zim reporting S-  
  
Red: HOLY SHIT YOUR ALIVE?!  
  
Director: 'Check in these guy's backround-just in case.' I said-but nooo after all they came 'all the way from a different galaxy' they said...!  
  
***  
  
  
Zim: Hello friends-I am a comp-  
  
Kids: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!  
  
Director: Your to supposed to know he's an alien!  
  
***  
  
  
Dib: So-what's your home planet?   
  
Zim: Irk-oh it's a great place. Wh-  
  
Director: Your supposed to HATE each other-not have friendly conversation!  
  
  
***  
  
  
Zim & Gir: Doom doom da doom doomy doom...  
  
Director: No-you're supposed to be annoyed!  
  
Zim: *suddenly fierce* Hey-I like the Doom Song-you gotta problem with that?!  
  
***  
  
  
Purple: I'm not gonna-you still owe be two paychecks!  
  
Director: I can't pay you right now! ...Oh shit-we gotta get this on the air...fine...! *scribbles stuff on a check*  
  
Purple: Hmm...add another at the end.  
  
Director: Grrrr...don't push it...!  
  
***  
  
Mrs. Bitters: Now for our lesson...the terrorists are just doomed-doomed doomed doomed doomed doomed doomed doomed doomed...  
  
Dib: The first true words she's spoken...!  
  
***  
  
Mrs. Bitters: If you have something to say, say it now Zim-because after this, I don't want to hear another sound from you!  
  
Zim: Ow! Jeez-I'm gonna need a hearing implant after you!  
  
***  
  
  
Zim: Wait-a Pitbull?! Get a Doberman...!  
  
Dib: Yeah-what about the Doberman?! Those thing's are better for the set! Them and Rotweilers {sp} are really the ultimate guard dogs-they're even main military dogs with German Shepards!   
  
Zim: Needless to say they look more sinister than...a pitbull...  
Director: My revenge....hahahahahahha....   
  
***   
  
Red: *looks at script* Whoa-you do not pay me enough for that!   
  
Director: What? Gimmie the script .... *turns pale* Holy shit-this is...oh god, sick-get the scriptwriter in here!  
  
***  
  
Gaz: Dib drank the last soda dammit!  
  
Director: Cut!  
  
***  
  
  
Gaz: Aw shit-he drank the last soda!  
  
Director: Cut!  
  
***  
  
  
Director: Oookay-that's a wrap for now-go take a break!  
  
Dib: Finally...Yo Gir-you gonna share some 'o that beer or what?  
  
***  
  
  
Gaz: Hey-everybody just simma down na ya hear?  
  
Dib: Simma down!  
  
Prof. Membrane: Simma down na!  
  
Director: Rodney-you better not be recording this!   
  
***  
  
Red: Oh shit-! *loses his balance and falls of the floating platform*  
  
Director: Ouch...  
  
***  
  
Red: Welcome mighty Irke- *someone shoots a spitball between his eyes* Oh yuck! Who did that?!  
  
***  
  
Purple: Now-let the assigning begin!  
  
*audience cheers*  
  
Director: No! No!  
  
***  
  
Director: Ok-Cut! That's good-go take brake for an hour while we edit the film.  
  
Zim: Yes! I gotta go see if Party of Five recorded on time!  
  
Director: Ookaaayy.....  
  
***  
  
  
Red, Purple, Gir: *randomly switch to a channel on TV*   
  
TV: *Jimmy Neutron comes on without warning*  
  
Red & Purple: *scream like girls scared to death and bolt outta the room*  
  
Gir: EVIL, EVIL, EVI-I-I-L-L! *smashes thew TV until it's dust*  
  
***  
  
  
  
Director: *walks in a meeting with about 12 other directors* Hello sirs-sorry im late (again).   
  
Director #1: We were just discussing our cast members and-  
  
Purple: ZEK GET BACK HERE!  
  
Director # 2: ...what the hell was that?  
  
Director: nothing...just go on... *closes door hoping to block out noise*  
  
Director #1: Okaayy...um-the behaivor of our casts how-  
  
Red: DIE BASTARD! *sounds of a laser gun are heard*  
  
Directors: ......  
  
Dib: C'min FIGHT ZIM! It ends here-THE WORLD SHALL KNOW!  
  
Zim: Know what-everybody knows that I'm an alien!  
  
Gaz: Dib-that's perverted-STOP IT!  
  
Directors: *start packing up their stuff to leave*  
  
Director: No-c'mon guys-it's just my cast!  
  
  
***  
  
  
Purple: And those who have he-Ow! DIB YOU FUCKING BASTARD-GO SCREW YOURSELF!  
  
Red: *slaps his forehead and points to an 'On Air' sign*  
  
***  
  
Purple: Right-and those who have heard of it, dare not speak its name...!  
  
Zim: What's its name?  
  
Purple: Uh...isn't this place called Earth or something...?  
  
Red: I think so...  
  
Director: *bangs his head repeatedly against his clipboard*   
  
***  
  
  
Mrs. Bitters: Class, I would like to introduce our newest, hopeless addition to the student body. His n-  
  
ST-Zim: Wait-Mrs. Bitters...? How is someone like you married?!  
  
Director: Oh sick-Mrs. Bitters that's enough-you made the stunt double already looks like chum now...!  
  
***  
  
  
Dib: Any q- *accidentally emits a huge belch* *whole classroom cracks up laughing*  
  
Director: Why, why, WHY?!  
  
***  
  
  
Gaz: *walks in lounge*  
  
Zim: Ack!  
Dib: Gaz-there's a huge Cobra draped around your neck!  
  
Gaz: ...I know...isn't it cool? It's only a baby...  
  
Zim: That thing's five feet!  
  
Dib: A baby...?!  
  
Gaz: Zek lemme borrow it-its poisonous...!   
  
*cobra spits poison in Dib's eyes*   
  
*Dib screams in pain*  
  
Gaz: I think you and me are going to get along ju-u-ust fi-i-i-ine...  
  
***  
  
  
Bestest Friend  
  
  
Keef: I like Zim...  
  
Zim: ACK! YOU GAY FREAK-GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!  
  
Director: Zim-that's in the script!  
  
***  
  
  
Rise of Zitboy  
  
  
Zim: This is Pust-  
  
Dib: Oh gawd...*tosses him a box of OxyPads and leaves*   
  
***  
  
Zim: Look into Pustullio...!  
  
Gaz: Aw-Zim-that's sick! *spontaneously tosses her book, which smacks Zim's pimple and busts it open*  
  
Zim: No-Director-I don't want to go through with Gir again! PLEASE!!!  
  
***  
  
  
Red: What've ya got there?   
  
Purple: *reveals a Miniature Doberman Pinscher*  
  
Red: An earthen animal? Why-...I don't like that look your givin me-what are-you wouldn't...its foaming at the mouth...  
  
Purple: *releases the Min Pin, which goes on ripping up Red*  
  
Gaz: Ooh...he looks like chum!  
  
***  
  
  
Red: Lasers are much better!  
  
Purple: You're right-they are.  
  
Red: I know-S-wait...since when do YOU agree?  
  
Purple: *shoots Red in the eye w/ a laser*  
  
Red: ARRAGHHH! *falls back in pain*  
  
***  
  
  
Germs  
  
Zim: Sorry I haven't reported recently my Tallest-I-  
  
Purple: Yo-Simma down Na!  
  
Red: Whooooooooo-simma down!  
  
Zim: Oh fuck-not this again!  
  
***  
  
  
Zim: I'LL DESTROY YOU ALL-AND YOU-AN YOU! AND YOU-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUU!!!  
  
Red: Honestly...we should have sent him to an asylum...!  
  
***  
  
Zim: Sorry I haven't been reporting recently my Tallest, I- CRAP THAT'S A BIG ONE!  
  
Red: That's perverted...  
  
***  
  
Gir: Director- I don' wanna get dirty! I can't STAND having one little bacteria cell on meeeee....   
  
Director: Oh boy...  
  
***  
  
Gir: I HATE YOU ALL! DIE YOU BASTARDS, DIE IN VAIN! GO TO HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!  
  
Cast: O.o .........  
  
Gir: I feel better now...! I love this show....  
  
***  
Zim: Give all of the....the... OH FUCK!   
  
Director: MEAT Zim-MEAT!  
  
Zek: *falls from the flimsy prop ceiling w/ her vedio camera*  
  
Director: What the hell are you doing here Zek?! O MY GOD YOUR RECORDING THE MISTAKES-GET HER!!!! THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS MUST NOT SEE THE TAPPEEE!  
  
Zek: Aw fuck! *runs for dear life*  
  
***  
  
  
Director: Um, this is why I called you in Jhonen...they've been at this for two days now...and other disturbing things... *points to the set*  
  
Zim: Sorry I haven't been r-  
  
Purple: SIMMA DOWN NA!  
  
Red: Take it dowwwwwwwwwwwwn....SIMMA DOWN!  
  
Dib: C'mon you two-we n-  
  
Purple: Hey-every'un 'ja simma down na 'ya hea'?  
  
Zim: ARRGH!  
  
Jhonen: Hmmm.... How much TV do they watch when they're not working?  
  
***  
  
Zim: *hold up a shirt* See? This very shirt is crawling with g-  
  
Red: Holy shit-are you aware that that is not cloth toilet paper?!  
  
Zim: What?!  
Purple: That shirt is meant to be worn on the upper part of your body,  
  
Red: and not drawn through the valleys of your buttocks!  
  
Zim: WHAT IN THE Z'S DO YOU TWO HAVE?!  
  
Jhonen: Oooh...that's pretty bad...  
  
Dib: Please do something Jhonen...it's extremely disturbing...  
  
***   
  
Planet Jackers  
  
  
PlanetJacker: Well, you see that planet behind us?  
  
Zim: yes...  
  
PlanetJacker: W're going to throw it into our sun-why, you gotta problem with that?!  
  
Zim: YES I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT YOU BASTARD!   
  
  
***  
  
Director: Dib, if you don't s-  
  
Dib: I don't have to listen-I have power over you!   
  
Director: Like how...?  
  
Dib: *snaps his fingers and points to Director* Get 'em!  
  
*a whole mob of vicious fan girls turn bloodthirsty and maul Director*  
  
***  
  
Zim: 1,000 grand-no less.   
PlanetJacker: You drive a hard bargain...fine-we'll pick up the planet Earth tomorrow.  
  
Zim: Excellent-now keep it quiet-this bargain to the others never happened...  
  
***  
  
  
  
OK! So whaddid ya think? I hope you laughed-because sneak'in around to record those ain't easy! As shown on one of them I got caught, I got damn lucky too!   
Should I spy and stuff more to get another set? I bet the storage room would have some good ones...oh yes-if there were a few you didn't like lemme know. ^-^   
  
Zek, out!   
  
End of line. 


	4. Evil, Sick, Dirty Cast Doominess Blooper...

I hope you like these! Ok so they have some * beeps * in them but I think they're funny. They were fun to tape-I laughed!  
  
  
Parent teacher night  
  
Mrs.Bitters: You will bring your parents tonight Zim...  
Zim: ......What are you talking about woman?! And what the hell are parents?!?  
Dib: * bursts out laughing *  
  
Director: Ookayyyy....let's try this again...  
Mrs.Bitters You will bring your parents tonight Zim-or it's gonna be hell!  
  
Director: ERGH! Let's get this done...action!  
Mrs.Bitters: You will bring your parents tonight Zim...  
Zim: Oh * beep * off you bitch!  
Zim: AHHHH! SECURITY! HELP! SHE'S MAULING ME! HELLLLLLLLLLLLLP......  
  
Zim: These are my pa-* trips * Ahhh! * bleep-bleep * * bleep-a-dy * (ect.)  
Director: Doh! Zim! Don't cuss on a children's show for god's sake!  
Dib: No no! Let 'em go...It's an improvement...!  
  
Dib: This is my father, Professor Membrane. He was too busy to come here in person, so he's recording live from his lab across town.  
Teacher: What kind of things does he work with?  
Dib: Oh, All kinds of * beep *  
  
A Room with A Moose  
  
Director: Ok so Dib you have to kick him...uh...there...um...you know what I mean..?  
Dib: Really? On set? Cool!   
Zim: Whoa! You do NOT pay me enough for that! No way-  
Dib: * kicks the spot *  
Zim: Ohh........* beep *  
  
  
Dib: Damn! I love the beginning of this episode!  
Zim: Love this! * kicks him in the nutz *  
Director: * slaps face * That scriptwriter is so fired!  
  
Zim: And the second one was pure poopie!  
Director: NO! NO! DOOKIE! USE THE OTHER WORD!  
Zim: Why not the other word? It sounds better...hey! What do those words mean anyway...?  
Director: hold the dictionary...you don't want to know....  
Zim: Did I even say the line right?  
  
Gir in announcer voice: I'm gonna put you in a blender and drink your blood and guts in a smoothie-literally...  
Director: Zim! I told you not to tell him to say something like that! For god's holy sake-it's rated Y!  
  
Gir in announcer voice: Now if you excuse me children, after this announcement, I really got to take a * beep *.  
Kids Burst Out Laughing  
Director: ZIM!!!!  
  
Gaz puts down her script: do you like this * beep *?  
Zim: No I don't like this * beep *, do you Dib?  
Dib: WHO WROTE THIS * beeping * * beep *?!?!  
Director: How do kids know cusswords?!?!  
Zim: I'm not a kid.  
Director: no excuse!  
  
Zim: I guess I'm just not smart enough...  
Kid knocks Zim's head on table a little too hard...  
Zim cusses in Irken.  
Dib: I think I have an idea what he's saying....lemme get my translator!  
Director: No...PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DON'T DIB!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Mrs.Bitters: Oh for hell's sake! I'm too old to be doing this! I'm so old I don't know how old I am, I can only remember evil and repulsive things, and my bones are half dust!  
Director: * sighs * Well what are the good qualities about you?  
Mrs.Bitters: Well I'm a Bitch...I can get the children too piss their pants...  
Director: Um...Thank you mam'm that ENOUGH!  
  
Walk of Doom  
  
  
Zim: AHHHHH! MY EYES! * runs into street, car hits him *  
Real Zim walks in: So how's the stunt-double doing...? Hello? Why is everyone staring at the....Oh...Well call the janitor, he'll clean it up!  
  
Zim: I'm not feeling good after digging in that trash can... *pukes*   
Dog comes and starts lapping it  
The whole cast pukes and runs from stage  
Janitor: Oh *beep*! Just as I sat down...Oh well...good thing I love this job...  
  
Zim: Oh Gir-AHHHHHHH BEE'S! GET MY BENNIDRIL!  
Zim: OH that...-!  
Director: Gaz!  
Gaz runs and slaps ducktape on Zim's mouth.  
Director: Ahhh well Zim, how's it go'in? I can't hear you...!  
Director: whoa-PUT THE GUN DOWN! PUT IT DOWWWWWWWN! 


	5. MORE CAST HYSTERIA IS RUNNING AMOK!!!! R...

What is the IQ of lawyers again...?....between 3-5 I think...so law people thingys...I DON'T OWN THE SHOW-DUH!  
  
  
A ROOM WITH A MOOSE  
  
Zim: My business, is done!  
Girl: What kind of shit was that-are you constipated or something?  
Director: Okaayy...  
  
Zim: Mrs.Bitters, I feel a MIGHTY NEED!, to use the restroom once again.  
Mrs.Bitters: Honey, do you have some kind of problem-are you on laxative?  
Zim: No, I'm running an illegal operation that will take my fellow classmates to extreme pain and doom so I can take over the world and humans will be my slaves and my Tallest will be impressed and it will be very painful.  
Mrs.Bitters: *blinks* Well...then uh...go on then...  
  
  
Zim: To, a room, with a moose! Whoa, A ROOM WITH A MOOSE? WHERE THE HELL IS THE SCRIPTWRITER?!?!  
Director: *puts on helmet, then bangs head*  
  
  
Zim: Hello...Dib! I...uh...jeez...well uh...how's the weather?  
Director: Zim! Don't tell me you forgot your line!  
Zim: Well since you asked me not to tell you...  
Director: Doh!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Zim: Waves hands-one hand has a letter from Gaz: AHHAHAHAHAHA-  
Dib: Hey! Is that a letter from my SISTER in your hands?!?! WITH HEARTS ON THE ENVELOPE?!?!?!  
Zim: *looks at hand* Uh...no *tosses letter* It is from...my Tallest! Yes-my Tallest!  
Dib: Your leaders sent you a love letter?!?  
Zim: Um yeah! They're gay!  
Dib: Oh shit...  
  
  
Zim: Doh! Gir I forgot my lines-help!  
Gir: *whispers something*  
Zim: ?...well if that's the script...AHHH! MY BOWLES ARE DOOMED! I REALLY GOTTA TAKE A *beep*!  
Director: Those aren't your lines!  
  
Zim: I forgot them again Gir!  
Gir: *whispers again*   
Zim: Mrs.Bitters! You are a *beep*ing old Bitch! You're an old hag who can't talk about anything but DOOM!  
Zim: Gir, I am SURE that was NOT in the script!  
Director: Um...MRS.BITTERS! CALM DOWN! I ADVISE YOU NOT TO DO THAT! PUT THE KNIFE DOWWWWWN! PUT IT DOWWWWWWWWN!  
  
  
Dib: No...you can't *yawn* do...that...zzzzzzzzzzz...  
Director: Dib! Wake up!  
Dib: zzzz...no daddy...I don' wanna go to skool today...I wanna stay home and play cookies with you...zzzzzzzz...  
Director: Whatever I did god, I am so-o-o-o-o sorry...  
  
  
  
Gaz: Director...I want my paycheck...now!  
Director: Not yet Gaz...  
Gaz: I will destroy you...  
Director: Oh yeah? With what?!  
Zim: *hands Gaz an Irken gun* Here, take this.  
Gaz: Thanks! *aims*  
Director: Whoa I m-m-meant, how much did you want again?  
  
  
ATTACK OF THE SAUCER MORONS  
  
  
Zim: *attempts to throw fat lady over his head* My god lady! How...ugh...many...ah...Krispy...Kremes...do...you...eat?!?  
Woman: Oh *beep*-off you greened skinned P.O.S.!  
  
  
*after Gir screams in his face while crashing on the Voot carrier*  
Zim: You do know I'm only doing this for the money Director...!  
Director: Jeez-I-had-no-idea-about-this-how-could-it-be? *rolls  
eyes*   
  
  
BAD BAD PIGGY  
  
Zim: Gir! I am your Master! Go back imminently!  
Gir: Ok!  
Zim: Holy *beep*! Who fixed you?  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Zim: No! Director-r-r! I REFUSE to have purple happy bunnies in this episode!  
Director: Well what else will stop Dib?  
Zim: I have to TOUCH one? Ack! The HORROR!   
Director: *BEEP*  
  
  
Zim: .........  
Director: Zim! Say your line!  
Zim: ......  
Director: Gir?  
Gir: .........  
Director: Hello? Guys?!?! Dib? Gaz?  
Gaz: .........  
Dib: .........  
Director: Ooooookaayy...you guys ARE SCARYING ME! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?  
Gaz: We're rebelling...  
Gir: Yeah! You don't give me enough brainfreezys!   
Dib: And you don't pay us actors enough!  
Zim: I cam all the way from a different Galaxy to be paid like THIS?!? *BEEP*-YOU!  
  
  
Dib: Director!  
Director: What?  
Dib: I really have to take a *beep*!  
Director: You just went for 20 minutes 5 minutes ago!  
Dib: I HAVE DIARRHAH!  
Director: I had to ask didn't I...  
  
  
  
  
  
Dib: *limps onto set*  
Director: What is up with you?  
Dib: You don't wanna know.  
Director: Yes I do.  
Dib: Know you don't.  
Director: Yes I do!  
Dib: NO you DON'T!  
Director: YES I DO!!!  
Dib: I HAVE A HEMROID!  
Director: I really had to know huh...?  
  
  
Gir: Wanna see my new CAT?!?  
Director: NO, IM ALLERGIC!!  
Gir: Peeeez?  
Director: NO!  
Gaz: That's mean! I like cats...here kitty! *shoves it under his nose*  
Director: *has an asthma attack*  
Gaz: Oh...you ARE!  
Director: You...stupid...BITCH!  
Gir: He doesn't like KITTY?!?  
Zim: Um...not exactly...  
  
Zim: Hey! It's snowing! *sticks tongue out to taste snowflakes*  
Dib: How does it snow in one place-INSIDE?!?  
Director: *walks up to them holding an umbrella* Um...that's not snow. That's our new lighting guy up above you-he has really bad dandruff!  
Dib & Zim: Immediately start spitting out dandruff.   
  
  
  
  
  
YEAH BABY! You like this disk? You better, 'cause I'm riskin' my hide for you... if Pur' finds out, it's the Irken slaughterhouse for me!  
  
Zek, out!  
  
End of Line. 


	6. GIR's Blue Doomed Dancin': Recorded Disk...

****

Yo, listen up, here's the story-about a little bot named Gir who has ADHD.

And all day and all night, everything to him is just DOOMED! Like him-Inside and outside,

Doomed is his house, with a doomed little window,

And it drives Zim mad,

'cause everything is doomed for him, and himself, and everybody around,

And he's got, the whole crowd, doomed, and dancin'….

(chorus:)

I'm doomed ba da de da, 

we're doomed, I believe I will die

ba da de da ba di, ba da dee da bi di, da ba de da be di, we're doomed I believe I can die ba da de da ba di…

(repeat chorus)

(interlude-Gir is spinning and pulling off fancy dance moves, Zim is running around the house yelling because he's being driven insane.)

And in that doomed house with a doomed window,

Doom is everywhere, and everywhere that we go.

Doomed are the streets and all the trees are too,

I have a piggy, and he too is doomed.

Doomed are the people here that walk around, 'cause Master Zimmy's enslavi'n 'em all.

Doom are the words he says and wants to be, doom is the theme, that lives inside me.

(chorus)

Inside and outside, doomed is his house with a doomed little window, and bounci'n off the walls, is our little robot Gir,

In his doomed house, with doomed insane Irken, 

His ADHD running full-blast…

(chorus)

(Gir is bouncing on his head. Then he unzips his green dog costume and starts break dancing.)

Gir: na, da ba da de da, ba di, ba da de da de di bi, da be de da ba di, da ba de di! EEEEEEEE!

Gir: *Starts dancing and singing with his new friends-the band members of Eiffel65.*


	7. Dungeons and Dragons

Dungeons and Dragons: Satan's game! Skool children-like it or not-are being attracted in their weaker years to the occult; and playing a game like D & D fuels their imagination, and making them feel "special," while drawing them further and further into the bowels of El Diablo! This evening, H.M. watch hour invites you to sit in on an actual gaming session. Observe the previously unobservable, as a hidden camera brings you to the inner sanctums of Dungeons and Dragons.  
  
  
  
  
  
Gaz: (reading off Zim's screen) "Galstaff, you have entered the door to the North. You are now by yourself, standing in a dark room. The pungent stench of mildew emanates from the wet, dungeon walls."  
  
Dib: (slightly in the distance, yells) WHERE'RE THE CHEETOS?  
  
Gaz: THEY'RE RIGHT NEXT TO YOU!  
  
Zim: I cast a spell!  
  
Dib: WHERE'S THE MOUNTAIN DEW?  
  
Gaz: IN THE FRIDGE, DUH!  
  
Zim: (whining) I wanna cast a spell!  
  
Dib: CAN I HAVE A MOUNTAIN DEW?  
  
Gaz: YES, YOU CAN HAVE A MOUNTAIN DEW!! JUST GO GET IT!  
  
Zim: I can cast any of these, right? On the list?  
  
Gaz: Yeah, any of the first level ones.  
  
Dib: I'M GONNA GET A SODA, ANYONE WANT ONE? HEY GAZ, I'M NOT IN THE ROOM, RIGHT?  
  
Gaz: WHAT ROOM?  
  
Zim: I wanna cast: MAGIC MISSILE!  
  
Dib: THE ONE WHERE HE'S CASTING ALL THESE SPELLS FROM!  
  
Gaz: HE HASN'T CAST ANYTHING YET!  
  
Zim: I am though if you'd listen! (happy) I'm casting: magic missile!  
  
Gaz: (confused) Why are you casting magic missile? There's nothing to attack here.!  
  
Zim:.......I...I'm attacking the darkness!  
  
(all laugh)  
  
Gaz: (calming down, still chuckling) Fine, fine-you attack the darkness. There's an elf in front of you.  
  
Iggins: (paying more attention) Whoa, whoa, whoa.that'th me, right?  
  
Gaz: He's wearing a brown tunic; he has grey hair, and blue eyes.  
  
Iggins: No I don't-I have grey eyeth!  
  
Gaz: ..Lemme see that sheet..(reaches for a paper on Iggin's desk)  
  
Iggins: Well, it thays..well it thays I have blue eyeth, but I wanted grey eyeth.!  
  
Gaz: (sighs, irritated) Whatever-Ok, you guys can talk to each other now if you want.  
  
(silence)  
  
Zim: .ehm.HEL-lo.  
  
Iggins: Hello!  
  
Zim: I am Galstaff, sorcerer of life!  
  
Iggins: Then why did you have to catht "magic mithil?"  
  
(all laugh again)  
  
Gaz: (changes mood) You, you, you, uh----you guys are being attacked!  
  
Dib: CAN I SEE THAT HAPPENING?  
  
Gaz: NO, YOU'RE OUTSIDE, BY THE TAVERN!  
  
Dib: COOL! I GET DRUNK!  
  
Gaz: (sighs) (ignores and reads off Iggin's screen) There are seven ogres surrounding you.  
  
Iggins: How could they thurround uth? I had Morgan'th Kindneth Faithful Watchdog cast!  
  
Gaz: No you didn't,  
  
Dib: (still in distance) I'M GETTING DRUNK! ..ARE THEY'RE ANY GIRLS THERE?  
  
Iggins: I TOTALLY did! You athked me if I wanted any more equipment for thith adventure, and I thaid: 'No, but I need material componenth to all my thpells! Tho I castht Morgan'th Kindneth Faithful Watchdog!  
  
Gaz: But you never actually cast it!!  
  
Dib: ROLL THE DICE TO SEE IF I'M GETTING DRUNK!  
  
Gaz: (growls, picks up two di, and rolls them, without caring what showed up) YEAH, YOU ARE!!  
  
Dib: ARE THERE ANY GIRLS THERE..?  
  
Gaz: (irritated more) YES!!  
  
Iggins: (still arguing) But I did though! I completely thaid when you athked me-  
  
Gaz: (rounds on him) No you didn't! YOU DIDN'T ACTUALLY CAST THE SPELL, SO NOW THERE'RE OGRES OK?!!!?!?!  
  
Dib: OGRES?! MAN, I GOT AN OGRE SLAYING KNIFE-IT'S GOTTA +9 AGAINST OGRES!  
  
Gaz: (still frustrated and angry) YOU'RE NOT THERE, YOU'RE GETTING DRUNK!!  
  
Dib: OK, BUT IF THEY'RE ANY GIRLS THERE, I WANNA JUMP THEM!!  
  
There you have it: a frightening look into America's most frightening pastime. Remember: it's not the children's fault for being drawn into a satanic world of nightmare, it's their Gym Teacher's fault,-for making them feel like outcasts when they couldn't do even one single pull-up. 


End file.
